Everyone has their own set of rules for themselves when it comes to dating. They may come from your own past experiences, advice from others around you, or from things you observe in the world. It’s okay to be vigilant and look out for red flags, but giving yourself so many guidelines to follow can interfere with and ruin your chances of being happy. There are ways to enforce your boundaries and set your standards without feeling like your future partner needs to check off every box on a list. Living in the world of social media, negative thoughts about a relationship can be reinforced and in turn, deprive yourself of the love you deserve.
On platforms such as TikTok, there are so many rules, games, and theories to follow that it’s hard to keep up. You’re looking out for all these things and waiting for the person you’re seeing to mess up that you aren’t even giving yourself a chance to be happy. So many of these rules and theories are contradictory and overall make zero sense. Concepts such as the three-month rule, play the game or the game plays you, the cab theory and so many more are attributing to you having your walls up and not allowing you to fall in love.
So many people on that app play into the all-or-nothing mentality, saying things like if he doesn’t buy you flowers every day, give you 100% of his free time, or answer your texts immediately he’s not interested in you. But then, if he does all of those things early on, they’ll say you are being “love bombed.” Listening to all of these ideas is doing nothing but hurting your chance at happiness, so here are some ways to be mindful of red flags while also allowing yourself to open up and not sabotage your possibility of love.
People are busy.
That’s just life, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that. It’s so easy to get stuck in your own head and start thinking the worst. “Who else is he texting?” “Did I say something wrong?” “He hasn’t responded in X hours. He must hate me.” Being an adult, people have a lot on their plate, and sometimes, when they have more going on than you, it can seem like they aren’t available to you. But they are. They just may not be as available as you are, which may get you thinking they aren’t as invested as you are. But in reality, they are just busy. 20 years ago, people didn’t have the ability to text all day every day. They would have to talk on the phone when they could, and just because they weren’t speaking for 24 hours each day didn’t mean they were any less interested.
“If he wanted, to he would” isn’t always true.
I’ve heard the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” countless times, and, to be honest, I’m sick of it. At some points, I would agree with it, but at others, it seems insincere. I say this because sometimes I want to do something, but I don’t. I want to say or plan something, and sometimes, I never end up doing it. So, it is not fair to expect someone to do something, and that goes both ways. It's one thing if you are constantly reaching out and they are giving less than the bare minimum, such as not making plans and ghosting you. But if you expect them to reach out first after a conversation has dwindled, it can be considered a double standard. You’re not a mind reader. You don’t know if they’re overthinking, nervous, or have a lot on their plate, so that phrase is not always valid.
Most of the rules and theories you’re hearing make zero sense.
While there are certain trends to look out for when talking to and getting to know somebody, you shouldn’t base your entire relationship on following them. I first heard about the cab theory in Sex and the City, but I have heard it discussed countless times on TikTok. Basically, the theory discusses that a man will not settle down with a woman unless his “cab light is on.” Then, the next woman he meets is the one he will marry and build the rest of his life with. If you lead your life by this theory, you are setting yourself up for failure because the human brain doesn’t fully develop until you’re about 25, meaning the decisions made before then would be null and void.
I understand the three-month rule in the aspect of when you’re talking to someone for three months, that should be enough time to make it official. But, referring back to people being busy, is three months really a long time? In theory, you can buy a pair of jeans and return them to the store within the 90-day trial period. And what if, within those 90 days, you find yourself so busy that you forget to make the return? Three months is truly not that long. It’s long enough to have the conversation about where the relationship is projected to go, but it is not always long enough to make something official.
There are so many ways you are able to establish your boundaries while getting to know somebody without sabotaging the potential. While scrolling through TikTok will not help in combatting self-sabotaging, it is important to be mindful that everyone’s situation is different. The number one rule is that you need to give yourself the chance to fall in love, and if someone doesn’t value you, leave. It’s okay to be scared of getting hurt, but you need to give yourself the grace to love and stop depriving yourself of the love that you truly deserve.
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